Monday, August 3, 2009

The Creepiest Ad in All The Land

While the inanimate object moved by some invisible force – or acting on its own accord – carving a possibly retarded cow in the last one was frightening, I believe it is trumped by this gem because:

A. Babe here is practically committing hari-kari in order to make sausages. Unlike the last ad, there is no room to fabricate that perhaps he was a dull-witted victim of a bloodthirsty poltergeist who chose to accept his fate happily. This fellow is actually inflicting the pain upon himself, either voluntarily or by truly heartless force.

B. He is standing on more sausage, clearly too large to have come from him. Do the French want us to think that a giant pig had done the same thing moments before? Perhaps he went first to make an altar for a self-sacrificing pig ritual.

C. Recall the cow’s suspiciously but inarguably blissful expression. Now observe the pig. He appears happy at first glance, but upon further study, he seems to wear a grimace of almost surprise. “Gee, I didn’t know it’d hurt this bad – but doing the right thing feels SO GOOD.” In case I need to spell it out at this point, the twisted mixture of pleasure and strain is one most commonly associated with orgasm.

D. There is writing on this ad, which is in French. Not that the French are creepy. It’s just that the writing makes it even more terrifying, because it gives this a context. The cow was an open canvas (for lack of less crude wording); unfettered by any text, it allowed you to make your own associations as to what was going on. But this pig has a backstory. Some French person was not only able to justify this ad campaign, but expected you, the consumer (in more ways than one) to make perfect sense of it too. The fact that it is in a language I do not speak makes it that much more creepy. It’s like when the Pepsi dent-White explorer machetes his way through the dense island plants, only to find himself in a clearing of top-knotted, half-clothed “natives” with lanced nostrils, chattering away in their barbaric tongue; something bad is going to happen to him. He just doesn’t know what.

E. A friend with knowledge of the French language kindly provided a rough translation of this ad for me:
One eats with pleasure and...without fatigue:Auvergne Sausage--Absolute Dietary PurityThe good sausages of the prodigious pig !

A visit to (I’m a blogger now, and therefore have the right to refrain from consulting any actual text) provided me with the meaning of prodigious. Pay special attention to number three, if you please.
1. extraordinary in size, amount, extent, degree, force, etc.: a prodigious research grant.

2.wonderful or marvelous: a prodigious feat.

3. abnormal; monstrous.

“Enjoy, with gusto, the hindquarters of a sadomasochistic mutant swine!”
I was trying to be politically correct before, but now you gotta admit: those French are fucked up.

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